


So who's fault was it then?

by DaydreamingCrafter



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: 19 days - post chapter 319, Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Be Gentle With Me, Canon-Typical Violence, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Mo Guan Shan, Hurt/Comfort, I'm not native english speaker, M/M, May be triggering?, My First Fanfic, No Beta, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sexual Tension, Sexuality Crisis, Sweet He Tian, about 17-18 years old
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:26:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23450173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaydreamingCrafter/pseuds/DaydreamingCrafter
Summary: "...Mo?”He heard it at if it was coming through the thick blanked, and it took him awhile to understand that it was He Tian calling him and that the car stopped.He felt Tian's thumb caressing his knuckles, but at the same time it was as if it wasn't his skin, and heard again..“Hey, Mo? We’re here.”..He looked at the speaker not really getting what he wanted but nodding nonetheless. He than turned his head again to stare thought the window not really seeing anything too much focused on his memories.
Relationships: He Tian/Mo Guanshan (19 Days)
Comments: 50
Kudos: 305





	1. Nightmares

**Author's Note:**

> My first ever fan fiction I'm not native english speaker so mistakes may occure, don't be afraid to point them to me! Hope you'll like it and I would be very grateful for any comments and kudos :D

That night Tian held him tightly but not forcefully for what seems to be hours but was probably closer to 30 min. When he finally calmed down and stopped hiccuping Mo felt as if all his strength left him, and his knees started to get wobbly. He kept this story inside himself for so long, never telling anybody and always feeling this horrible guilt in the back of his head. That he finally said all of those troubles out loud seemed impossible and to have said them to He Tian even more so.

He Tian told him to call his work about absence and his mother that he will be staying at He Tians, and Mo just felt too tired to even pretend to be strong and disagree with him. Tian texted Jian Yi to let him know that they won’t be coming back, took Mo’s bag on his shoulder, signalled the taxi and gently led Mo by his hand inside the cab. It felt weirdly similar and after the moment Guan Shan remembered the night when He Tian took him to the high-end restaurant and Mo started having panic attack. He Tian was caring that time also.

It felt weird to see this gentle and caring side of He Tian, as if this version and the smug, devilish one were two much different people. They didn’t speak, apart from Tian telling driver the address, but Mo felt his eyes on him from time to time. He Tian never let go of his hand.

Mo didn’t know what to think and feel. He kept on remembering Tian's words _‘it wasn’t your fault’_ and he wanted to believe them badly but could he? For many years he believed that maybe that man died that night and that it was partly his fault, that’s what She Li said. For some time he really felt grateful to the boy for saving him, but then things got worse... He much later heard that She Li was born with the sensory defect and couldn’t feel pain, and that made sense seeing how causing it fascinated him. The only visible remainder of it was his pierced ears but there were much more things that didn’t leave permanent mark, at least not in the visible places. And worst of all was that at the time he didn’t even fought him much, because She Li was a master of psychological pain as well, and he often liked to remind him of that fateful day in the trashed alleyway and how he owes him his life.

“...Mo?”

He heard it at if it was coming through the thick blanked, and it took him awhile to understand that it was He Tian calling him and that the car stopped.

He felt Tian's thumb caressing his knuckles, but at the same time it was as if it wasn't his skin, and heard again

..“Hey, Mo? We’re here.”..

He looked at the speaker not really getting what he wanted but nodding nonetheless. He than turned his head again to stare thought the window not really seeing anything too much focused on his memories.

He Tian got a bit wide-eyed with the lack of response and with the sigh and nod to the worried looking cab driver he finally let go of Mos hand and get out of the car only to walk to the other side and help Mo get out. Guan Shan wasn't fighting him, but also didn't seem to possess any will of his own. It was freaky seeing normally so hard willed guy act as a doll on strings.

Again grabbing Mo's hand they went to the elevator and than inside He Tian's apartment. Brunet lead redhead to sit on his big bed.

“Mo? I'm going to get you some water, Ok?” not getting any response he hoped his friend would be okay for couple seconds by himself.

Fridge was stocked thanks to the same guy who was now sitting on his bed in the catatonic state, he grabbed the icy cold water and hurried to the bedroom. Mo didn't move a muscle even when He Tian kneeled beside his legs. He unscrewed the cap and put bottle in Mo's hand. The guy still didn't move. He held the bottle, sure, even looked at it, but it was as if he didn't know what to do with it. He Tian started to get more worried by the minute, but knew he had to at least seem calm.

“It's ok little Mo, I will do it for you.” he gently grabbed the bottle and touched the rim to Mo's pale lips. “Come on, drink at least a bit, you cried a lot” lifting a bottle a bit he saw Guan Shan open his lips a bit and take a sip.  
“That's great Mo, just like that.”  
Thanks to his effort he got redhead to drink 1/3 of the bottle. He saw Guan Shan eyelids getting heavy indicating his sleepiness.

“Let's get you to lie down, ok?” he said starting to feel as if he was talking to himself without getting any response from the other man. He helped him to lie down, took off Mo's shoes and covered him with thick grey blanket. Mo's eyes were closed so he assumed that he went to sleep and tried to stand up to get himself a chair to sleep on next to the bed. There was no way he would leave the guy alone but he would also feel wrong to just lie on he bed next to the smaller unguarded man. Not that he didn't want to.. and if this was any other situation he would jump to the occasion, he could almost see the scowl that would surely form on the redhead face if he did so. He would probably get kicked and called 'chicken dick' or some other absurd exploitive and he would get to see that pretty blush on Mo's cheeks and ears. But now he looked at Mo Guan Shan who laid motionless seemingly even smaller on his big bed, his lids and nose were still reddish from crying and his skin looked ashen and pale. He knew that surely it must have been more to the story than what he heard tonight. On one hand he wanted to know everything, on the other he feared what lengths he would go to if he would know all of it. Even without knowing the full story he wanted to kill She Li, and he felt that the snake done more than just piercing ears, he felt it inside him, as if that truth was a lead ball in his stomach. He started to think that all of it may be the explanation to Mo's thorny behaviour towards him, at least he hoped it wasn't all his fault. Maybe it was a good time to suppress his own stupid behaviours just a bit. He wasn’t a saint and knew he can’t just be serious and not dick around even just a little bit, but maybe he could stop with the “sexual harassment” towards Mo… It was quite a lot to think about.

He must have drifted off because next thing he knew was waking up to some noise. In the dim light coming through the doors of his bedroom he saw Mo Guan Shan trashing on the bed and silently moaning what sounded like garbled “no” over and over again. In the speed of light he climbed the bed and started gently stroking redheads hair and face which was now wet with tears and sweat to give him some comfort.

“..mh.. no.. please.. no...no..” the man kept the litany of agony while his entire body trembled. He Tian didn’t know what to do, try to wake Mo up or not. He himself had his fair share of nightmares and decided that waking redhead up was better that letting him suffer any longer. He tried to gently tap him on his cheek “Mo Guan Shan, wake up, come on, it’s just a dream”. Other man’s eyes moved rapidly under his eyelids. Suddenly with the shouted “No!” he woke up to sitting position pushing He Tian with all his strength off of him.

“Don’t touch me She Li!” he yield “Don’t come any closer!”

He Tian laid on his back not moving with the shocked expression looking at the frighted face of his friend. Mo had his eyes closed and his arms covering partly his face as if waiting for the punch breathing heavily.

“Mo, it’s me, He Tian” said brunet slowly moving to sitting position with his hands opened and raised in the surrender pose. Other man just shivered.

“Come on open your eyes, it’s just me, you’re safe”

One of redheads eyes opened and he peaked hesitantly between his crossed arms. He lowered his arms and looked around the room, surprised, his breathing still a bit quickened. He Tian sat unmoving trying not to spook little Mo any further.

Guan Shan eyes finally landed on Tian and with the aborted sigh he fell straight into other man’s arms.

“Tian..” he said in what sounded like a relieved whisper.

And this was the last thing He Tian expected, which is why it took him awhile to lower his own hands to the redheads back. Mo’s shirt was soaked with cold sweat and he was lightly trembling, but al least his breathing was going back to normal.

“Hey, it’s ok, it’s ok, you’re safe” Tian murmured to the other man ear gently stroking his back. He felt redheads fingers digging into his back and his wet face smushing into the side of his neck as if his friend tried to get even closer. He kept stroking the back, neck and head saying reassuring words to get Mo to relax. After couple minutes he felt redheads hands loosen a bit.

“Mo? Are you ok?” He knew that this question is a little dumb, of course he isn’t ok, but he felt a need to say something, felt a need to hear him say anything. Couple seconds later more than heard he felt Mo’s lips move against his neck with small “yea?..” He than decided that he needed to see redheads face. With slow movements he held Shan’s shoulders and tilted him off of himself to be able to see his face.

Mo’s orange eyes looked into his with hesitance, his face was still a little wet from tears but was turning more pink from embarrassment by the second. And normally He Tian would probably use it to make fun of him, but all of today's events made him see things in different light.

“No need to be embarrassed, okay? … Do you wanna talk about it?”

All he got was mumbled “...no?” as Mo was playing with the hem of his shirt.

“Ok, then we don’t need to, but if you ever want to, you can tell me, ok?”

“..ok..”

“Your shirt is soaking wet, maybe you would like to take a shower? I can lend you some clothes?”

Mo looked him in the eyes as if trying to find where was the proverbial hook. Not finding any he nodded, stood up and gone straight to Tian’s closet to take a fresh towel. This made He Tian lips curve a little thinking that redhead knew his house maybe even better than himself. When the bathroom doors closed he decided to change sheets, because they also got wet from tears and sweat. He definitely needed a little more time to locate the sheets then it took Mo to find towels in his own fucking house. After that was done he rummaged his closet to find some t-shirt and pyjamas shorts and knocked lightly on bathroom doors calling through the sound of rushing water “Mo! I’m leaving some clothes near the door” He than gone back to his bedroom to also change his clothes. Normally he slept in just his boxers but tonight he felt it would be weird even if he was still unsure what their sleeping arrangements would be.

Good thing tomorrow was a school-free day because he felt neither of them would get good night sleep.


	2. Battle of wills

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little shorter this time but hope you'll still like it. If you have any guidance for me or maybe some thoughts they're much appreciated !
> 
> Latest update was really cute in the Zhenyi departament, I'm a little sad that Tian turned to joking so quickly and I hope it won't have adverse effects on Mo's will to share his feelings in the future.
> 
> Happy Holidays Y'all

‘What.The.Fuck.What.The.Fuck.Wh..’ was going on repeat in Mo’s head while he stood under steamy water. He didn’t know if he should start shouting, bolt naked to the streets or let the hot water melt him right on the spot. How will he face He Tian after shower?! He said that there is no need to be embarrassed right? Right?! That was probably just a front though.. Brunet was probably laughing at him right now, he could imagine it perfectly – that handsome face with his signature smirk...ugh.. How could he be so stupid, to tell that guy all of this! He never told this to anybody and he chose He Tian?! Mo got more and more anxious thinking what will all of this change in his life. First of all, what She Li was planning to do today? Lately he stayed away from him and he kind of hoped that maybe that nightmare was over. Now it seems that unfortunately it wasn't the case… 'Did he say something about his earrings? Was that the reason for today's encounter?'  
Who knew with that psycho, fucking guy!

He heard the knock on the door which pulled him from his thoughts, He Tian was saying something about leaving some spare clothes by the door. Yup, he needed to get his shit together, thank He Tian and just fucking leave. Tomorrow was Saturday and maybe, just maybe by Monday everyone, and by everyone he specifically meant one certain guy in the other room, will forget about his freak out, and him being a crying bitch. Jesus, he knew that he had his 'dark' thoughts creep on him sometimes, but never near somebody else.. and he really didn't need to think about that and feel even worse about himself. His hand as if having a mind of it's own started creeping towards inside of his right thigh. Just as his fingers grazed a raised part of skin he jumped and moved his hand quickly as if it got burned. 'Nope! Not going there! Just don't think about it' he thought to himself trying to occupy his mind.

At that moment he got startled by knock on the door and He Tian’s muffled words

"Hey, are you ok in there? Do you need anything"

"Go away!" He replied and hoping that he sounded like he normally does.

Fighting his own mind, embarrassment and fear he quickly finished his shower, there was no toothbrush so he squeezed some toothpaste into his mouth and flushed it with water. After drying himself he found a black sleeveless shirt and grey jersey pants. The clothes were a bit loose on his smaller frame, but still fit. Taking some deep breaths to slow his rapidly beating heart he grabbed the knob and opened the door.

  
  


He Tian felt the nervous energy running through him as he wondered how to proceed in this situation. Should he make some silly joke in hope to change the mood? Should he just hug the smaller, ginger man or maybe just leave him to his lonesome? He truly didn’t know what to do, they both were still just some teenagers, how it came to be that in this young age they have to deal with these hard situations… He had some of his own shit he didn’t know how to fully deal with, and so how could he help someone else, when he himself was messed up. His onyx hair was all tousled from constantly running his hands through.

He heard the distinct click of the opening bathroom doors and quickly set his eyes on them. With the light cover of the steam out came Mo Guan Shan. The glow of the bathroom lamp lighted his red hair from behind giving it fire like quality. His pale skin was flushed pink and his amber eyes were cast down and hidden behind wet, thin, bright eyelashes. The black shirt hanged on him a little loose and so did the pants making him look even move fragile and vulnerable. If He Tian wasn’t already in love with that boy since middle school it would surely be that moment he would fell. Knowing this wasn’t the best situation for these feelings wasn’t helping him at all. He just couldn’t take his eyes of this sight as if hoping that this image would burn on the inside of his eyelids. Mo looked at him then, because he of course hadn’t uttered a single word for probably at least 3 min, like a total fool.

‘We both look like mess’ Mo thought, which, to be honest was helping him a little, knowing that he wasn’t the only one who didn’t know what to do and how to behave.

They just looked at each other without a word, as if they forgot for a moment where they were. Shockingly it was He Tian who first awoke from the stupor.

“Are the clothes ok?” he asked like a total dumbass.

His voice worked on Mo like a bucket of cold water. He jumped and very quickly said “OkI’llbegoingnowseeyouonMonday!” rushing to his backpack and jacket and maneuvering in the direction of the door.

He was almost at the door when a hand caught him by the elbow, stopping him in his tracks.

“Please don’t go!” he heard rushed from behind him.

“We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, but please don’t go, it’s 2 am...” He Tian said in desperate tone still holding Mo’s arm. And Tian’s hand was so warm, soft and ..safe? This whole evening was so different from his previous experiences with He Tian that he truly had no idea how to feel and act. He was torn, on one side he didn’t want to show any more of his weak side and on the other this was the first time since long ago he felt safe not by beating someone but by trusting. But trust was making him vulnerable.

“Please?”

Than it hit him. This was probably first time, or at least one of the few, when he heard Tian say these words and mean them. He nodded.

“Okay, I’ll stay, but if you say anything about this previous shit and I’m walking” He said not turning back, trying to be his tough self but feeling his ears getting hotter. Plus, knowing that he was in charge was really exhilarating for him. “And let go of my arm!” he said in raised voice turning and walking in quick pace in the direction of the couch.

He Tian raised his hands in the surrender gesture second time this evening. On the inside he was a bit more happy, because finally the scowl returned on the face of his favourite redhead. It wasn’t any longer contorted in fear or expressionless. If Mo getting angry at him was going to return his normal spirit he was not gonna complain.


	3. Realizations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys it will be slow burn but I hope I won't bore you to death. I have some ideas I hope I'll be able to put into words :)  
> Cheers!

“Come on Mo, you can sleep on the bed” said He Tian for third time.

“Don’t be annoying, couch is enough”

“But you just slept there, what’s the difference now?” brunet tried whiningly. Sometimes he just couldn't understand ginger’s decisions. He loved his tsundere attitude, don’t get him wrong but sometimes he just couldn’t interpret it, especially his self sacrificing, not-being-even-a-little-bit-spoiled self.

“And where will you sleep, huh? Couch is good enough, it’s just couple of hours, stop whining!” Mo was not giving up. He felt something was changing between them, and he wasn’t sure what to think about it. He just wanted this day to be over and forgotten. To just put all of these emotions back inside his walls that right now felt very thin, almost rice paper like and not solid brick he needed and got used to.

He sat forcefully on the black, modern lounge already squeezing grey blanket he got earlier, in his fists. “Give it a rest already, and let me sleep dickhead.”

He Tian sighed “Okay, I’m not gonna say anything about you-know-what, but I would feel better if you sleep on the bed, you’re a bit pale, just do this and I will leave you at peace. I will sleep here, don’t worry…” He knew that he needed to assure Mo that we wasn’t going to do anything.

The more he thought about Mo’s story and his attitude today the more he felt as if the boy could have been molested by She Li. He couldn’t just ask him about that and trying to beat the truth out of that silver snake would probably result in him going to jail or She Li doing something even worse to his friend. He needed to be cautious about all of this. Thinking about what could’ve occur between them brought him nothing but anger, unfortunately some of it was also directed towards himself. He was clingy, he knew that, also he didn’t always think through his actions. To be honest, up to meeting ginger boy he never put too much thoughts into “sexual situations”. He was handsome, he knew that, that was all he always heard from the girls around him. So he used it, he used his charm, his looks, the tone of his voice, his heights to get what he wanted. And it always worked, he didn’t even need to use his family connections. Girls and women alike always feel for it. Simple look from his Hematite eyes and suggestive tone got him through many doors and from many troubles. Fact that he looked older than he was worked just as added bonus. So for him it mainly served as a means to get things, plus - he liked it.

And then he got to meet Mo Guan Shan, red-headed delinquent with constantly furred brows and spiky behaviour. At first he seemed as a up-to-no-good guy but the more he got to know him the more he saw that he was much more than it appeared. He had some guys around him but he always looked lonely. He Tian started messing with him trying to get different reactions from him. Tian loved it ! Finally something that pulled him from boredom! A lot of things happened and then was a day of the “kiss”. Why had he done that? To this day he really didn’t know but it had to do with red-head’s disgust over using the same water bottle. Something in him just urged him to do it, to prove for himself that it wasn’t the case or to see the guy’s reaction? He didn’t know but did it nonetheless. And the reaction was really strong.

Guan Shan acted as if he was burned by red hot iron. He screamed to not touch him, pushed him hard and got teary-eyed. He Tian then thought that it was some serious over-reaction on the other guy’s part. But now thinking about that maybe it had something to do with part of what he heard tonight. It was going to be hard for him but he needed to really pull some brakes on his “flirtations” for Mo’s sake.

“You better not or I'll kick your ass!” barked Guan Shan quickly standing up and going to the bedroom loudly shutting doors behind him.

He Tian looked longingly in that direction, pulled the abandoned blanked and laid down. He looked towards his floor to ceiling windows. This view was in his opinion one of the best features of his apartment. The night sky above and the twinkling lights below him brought him tranquillity and often succeeded in pulling him away from thoughts of his family problems. Looking at the pale moon he felt his eyelids getting heavy...

The first thing Mo did after closing the bedroom doors was placing the chair under the knob just to be sure he wasn't going to be ambushed by He Tian. He just felt that he couldn't relax, all of this nervous energy was coursing through his veins. Logical part of his brain was telling him to calm down, that he wasn't in danger but the animalistic instincts were confused. The fight or flight reactions were kicking in and he didn't know why. His mind was a mess, memories and people were getting jumbled together, past and present were mixing in his mind just like some fucked up soup. He felt jittery, his pulse was racing and his skin felt as if it was crawling. He knew this feeling of panic attack, so he tried to ease his breathing. He pulled up his phone and started the sudoku app, it usually helped to calm his nerves, to distract himself. He hated this feeling, he knew, logically, he was okay but his organism was reacting as if he was about to get coronary or suffocate on the globe that he felt in his throat. He felt both tired and wide awake. It must have been at least 2 hours later that he had fallen asleep.


	4. Singed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the slow updates, also I thought that story will get cheerful much quicker but I just go where it leads me.
> 
> Trigger warnings - mentions of abuse (non descriptive)

_She Li had a lit cigarette between his lips._ _This_ _was the first thing Mo noticed when he was dragged b_ _y_ _two of the She Li’s thugs. He knew that he will be punished for not listening Li’s orders. Firstly, he_ _defied She Li’s order_ _of Buzzcut’s punishment, protecting the guy_ _who_ _did nothing wrong_ _which_ _got him his earlobes pierced,_ _so_ _what kind of “souvenir” will he get this time, he wondered. After Buzzcut's incident he decided to no longer blindly follow She Li with his head hanged down_ _low_ _._

_Gray haired man looked at him as if surprised to see him, the cigarette was still between his lips but he wasn’t inhaling the smoke, it was weird._

“ _Well look at that! Nice to see you finally decided to show up!”_ _s_ _aid She Li faux-jubilantly. He had a cruel smirk on his lips_ _which_ _with his yellow eyes_ _made him look even more like the snake personified._

_Mo felt the dread building in his stomach, he had a bad feeling about this. In the spark of wisdom he decided to not poke the cobra and keep his mouth shut. He still tried to shake the thugs hands off of him - no success._

_She Li slowly progressed towards him with slight moves._

“ _Red, Red, Red, haven’t you learnt enough? I’m disappointed, really. I thought that last time_ _when_ _you decided to act as you please was plenty to get over your_ _teenage_ _temper tantrum, wasn’t it?” he asked in mock-tender tone lightly stroking Mo’s earlobe._

_Guan Shan felt nauseous, She Li’s touches_ _always made him feel that way. It must have shown on his face because Li’s smirk turned into unpleasant scowl._

“ _Don’t like me touching you, now?” he hissed just like a snake. “Weren’t you quite receptive to it last time?”_

_Mo felt the shameful embarrassment spread through him_ _like a wild fire_ _. When he was dragged in he was scared but still held his head high, now he could only look at his feet, all the fight left him_ _after this last comment. The_ _shame he felt now was only comparable to the one he felt that time, and he truly hoped he_ _could erase these memories or at least bury them under lead and cement like some radioactive waste._ _The muffled snorts he heard from the rest of the group sounded to him like the storm_ _clouds_ _closing in. Whatever She Li was going to do to him now_ _couldn’t_ _be even partially as bad as this particular_ _situation_ _made him feel. He didn’t even react when he felt the_ _cigarette_ _smoke blown in his head and heard “Take of his left shoe and hold him tighter”_

_..._

Mo Guan Shan woke up to the smell of burning meat. He was sweaty and slightly queasy but he didn’t know why. Probably some messed up dreams but fortunately of the “no memory” variety. He heard some mumbled curses coming through the door and maybe he wasn’t a genius in math but he could put two and two together. That damn He Tian was in the kitchen! Fully awaken, he quickly wiped his sweaty forehead and neck with the covers and promptly walked into the kitchen area.

He Tian was frantically scrubbing the pan mumbling curses to himself. When he heard Mo approach he flashed an apologetic smile.

“The fuck you doin’ with the food?! “ Mo yelled at Tian

“Good morning to you too Sunshine!” Tian answered as if nothing was out of ordinary. 

“Jesus Christ, why do you even try? Apologise to the food you ruined you asshole!”

“I..I just wanted-” He Tian tried but Mo was having none of it. 

“Out of my way, sit, do nothing, I don’t care. Give me the pan, I swear sometimes..” He Tian was watching Momo affectionately as he was angrily cooking a simple breakfast for them still going on about what a waste of space is He Tian in the kitchen and that he would surely die if not for Mo’s amazing skills. 

Brunette sat on the counter of his kitchen-island-bar like table and watched his friend. Mo looked much better then the day before and he felt so happy about it, they were bantering like normal, maybe all wasn’t as bad as he thought. Maybe, he didn’t need to pull a full stop on him expressing his love for Mo. Redhead was still mumbling and making some sausages with crisp pancakes and eggs fully absorbed. He Tian approached him quietly wanting to continue some banter, so he did what he does every day and placed his hand on Mo’s shoulder already having some witty comment on the tip of his tongue but then Momo twitched hard at his touch. Which was typical, especially at the beginning of their friendship but lately it was happening less and less. What was even worse Mo didn’t follow it with curse or scream. He was frozen solid and slightly trembling. It lasted only couple seconds but He Tian understood then that things won’t be the same as they were before. He quickly removed his hand and Mo shook strongly, like cat after getting sprayed, his voice slightly broke when he yelled.

“Get off of me!”

“Sure, no problem” He Tian took swift two steps away from Guan Shan. And though still a bit agitated Redhead looked honestly surprised that brunette listened. Having this sort of “power”, Tian listening to him instantly, felt.. nice..

“Here’s your food” he grunted and walked to the bedroom to quickly recover his stuff he had prepared previous night when he first tried to flee.

Uttering “See ya.” and not looking in Tian’ s direction he quickly left the apartment making sure he won’t be stopped this time.

H e Tian looked at the perfect, steaming plate of food and felt acid building in his stomach. He was barely quick enough to reach the toilet as he dried heaved into the bowl, slipping to his knees on the cold, grey tiles. 


	5. Smol change

In couple of hours I will be dropping the next chapter, I just need to spell and style check but for now a small announcement:  
I changed first chapter - meaning i deleted first paragraph, the story just went differently than I thought

I am very much new to this (and have slight language barrier) so forgive my incompetence :> If you have any suggestions/critique for me fell free to write me ;)

I would like to very much thank all the guests and Archive Of Our Own users for Kudos. Special Thanks to people who bookmarked my story ♡

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Sorry I don't know how to properly link people

Also, I appologise for slow updates but I'm working full job at art supply store ( even through pandemic ) and also I spend time making graphic designs for my portfolio :)


	6. Breaking Point

He spent rest of the weekend in horrible mood. He wrote and rewrote probably ten messages to Mo without sending them, not really knowing what to do. Saturday morning proved that things were not going to be same as before. Events that escalated at the end of the week broke something in Mo Guan Shan, something that was forgotten and guarded for couple of years...

The Monday morning came which made him glad. At least he will see the Redhead, and maybe if he stays at the distance from him, Mo won't get agitated. Plus he needed to look out for She Li and his „games”. The guy was seriously asking for it but there were problems. She Li was a child of quite wealthy family with connections. Not as great as his but still.. He knew it wouldn't be so easy to get rid of him, of course his family could do it but it would require the intervention of his father and he didn't want that.

He was so in his own head because of all of this he didn't even notice that he was already at the school gates.

“He Tian! Here!” he heard Jian Yi yell. Blonde had his typical beaming self with wide smile on his face and next to him was, of course, calm and collected as always Zhan Zheng Xi.

Mo Guan Shan was nowhere in sight. He  Tian walked up to his friends.

“Is the angry tomato not here today?” Asked Jian Yi going straight to the point.

“Well, as you can see he's not with me, didn't you guys see him?”

“Nah, maybe he's playing hooky. Aw! He should have told us! We could have done something fun!” replied blonde without care in the world nudging Zhan Xi with his elbow.

“Hmm” murmured He Tian. Was it really just that? He hoped so.

At the lunch brake he somehow steered through small group of girls who still didn't seem to get the massage that he wasn't interested, and went straight to the Mo classroom.

After entering he noticed that his seat was empty and there was no backpack or other stuff. He could just ask class president about him but he didn't want to pull more attention to the fact. Classes ended uneventfully without Mo or She Li in sight.

When he was changing his shoes, ready to go home he felt tapping on his shoulder. Turning around he saw Zhan Zheng Xi, weirdly alone without Jian Yi. He raised his eyebrows in wordless question.

“He Tian, did you hear that She Li got suspended?” calmly asked Xi

“What? Why?”

“Well.. Apparently he got caught by police on Friday evening after beating up some guy near the metro station. I heard that he really went to town on the poor guy, landed him in the hospital. He's suspended for a month”

He Tian gulped conflicted. On one hand this was great news, on the other he could not stop imagining that Mo could have been the guy getting beat up. That was truly a struck of luck that he managed to get on the train.

“Thanks” he said after the pause. Zhan Xi only nodded his head in acknowledgement and walked away, probably looking for his blonde childhood friend. 

After getting home, he decided to write Mo on  LINE about what he learned. Maybe it would ease Mo's mind.

He Tian: “Hey ditcher ;) Your absence cost you good news today, She Li is suspended!”

He waited impatiently for a reply but none came. After an hour with nothing he decided that maybe he will pay a visit to the certain grocery store, Mo happened to work in ( and had his shift tonight – let’s be honest he remembered this schedule by heart), for some ready meals to eat. It wasn’t because he wanted to check on his favourite redhead, he was just hungry, ok?!

Since it wasn’t that far he decided on taking a walk. Maybe cold breeze and a smoke would ease his mind,  not to be paranoid but he was getting a bit nervous about radio silence from Mo. So call him busybody! Sure! Whatever!

A ll of this was messing with his head, they only knew each other a little bit over a year but that guy had already brought feelings and actions in him he fought he didn’t even have. 

Reaching the shops backlit windows he sneakily searched for Mo. Walking around the shop looking inside from the different angles eagerly keeping eye for that slender figure and orange hair, to no a v ail. Reaching the last window he came eye to eye with the shop owner, who seemed to recognise him, smiling and waving at him to come inside.

“You’re Mo Guan Shan’s friend? Right?” She asked with the gooey smile, clearly liking what she saw. 

“Yes, Madam” he said with his charming demeanor he had schooled for such occasions. “Do you know where he is? Isn’t this his usual shift?”

“Oh, didn’t he tell you? He called me earlier today saying he isn’t feeling well and that he will work today’s shift on his free day.” She put her hand on her cheek looking a bit concerned. “It’s probably these cold nights’ fault, that boy is so serious and hard working but he dresses to lightly!” 

“Oh right. That must be it” said He Tian giving his best to remain calm. “Thank you so much Madam.”

“Oh no problem!” She answered with a smile that returned on her face. “If you see him tell him to get well soon and I will see him on Wednesday” 

He only managed to nod and quickly left the store. The dreadful feeling was back in full swing. He wanted to barge in Mo’s home and see what it was all about. Maybe he really was sick, should he then surprise him and first and foremost Guan Shan’s mother with unexpected evening visit? Pulling his phone from the pocket of his pants hoping for the answer to his LINE with no success. It was time for the call, he waited and waited but after several signals with no result he didn’t have any patience left and with quick steps he steered towards Mo’s home. In no time he stood before the a bit dilapidated combined apartments, Mo’s windows were dark even though it was still an early evening. He tried calling Redhead one more time, also no success. As the last resort he found on his phone the number of Mrs Mo, fighting himself he made a call.

“Student He? What's the matter?” sounded concerned feminine voice on the other side

“Hello Mrs Mo, It's just that Guan Shan got angry with me and isn't picking my calls, could you please pass him the phone” he told her, weighting his words to not get Guan Shan in any more trouble.

“Oh really, that boy! But I'm sorry, didn't he tell you that this week I'm visiting my mother and I'm not in the city? You can try going to our home. If all fails – the spare key lays above the door frame.” She said “Don't argue boys, please.” 

“Yes, thank you Mrs Mo, I'm sure I will make up with him, have a nice evening” with that he turned the phone off, and not wasting another second walked right to the Mo's door.  
  
  



	7. Breaking in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for slow updates, but at least this chapter is a bit longer and we finally getting to it!  
> I also would like to thank my newest bookmarker @tsumori
> 
> Until I started writing when I read "the story took me there" I always though 'Yea, but it was you who wrote it that way' but I truly get it now. This made me respect other great authors here even more. I try to be "good" to my story, to not rush things, but I fear I may be elongating it too much.. but with this chapter I feel like we will be getting more action soon!

His hand was strongly pounding on the wooden door. He was doing it for the third time with no response. He didn’t want to go straight to using a key, feeling as if this was his last resort.

“Mo! Come on, open up!” he yelled for the second time not getting a response. 

His nerves were getting the best of him more and more. Deciding that he cannot stand any more uncertainty he reached above the tall door frame tracing his fingers until he felt the cold metal. Fishing the key he quickly opened the door. Insides were cold, quiet and dark, it didn’t feel alright, there was something unnerving to this atmosphere. He hastily stepped from his shoes and delved into direction of Mo's room. Passing the kitchen he saw some food products, chopped vegetables looking wilted and dried up as if left in midway of cooking. He felt the cold sweat on the back of his neck, to him it looked too much like a kidnapping scene. Gulping air he ran to the bedroom.

•••

After fleeing He Tian’s apartment Mo Guan Shan felt weird. He always got this uncomfortable feeling low in his stomach, bit burning, bit acidic, somehow fizzy, when He Tian got too touchy with him. It was like a mix of fear and.. something.. else he just couldn’t put his finger on. He had times when he tried to understand this and get more into it but for him it almost always ended in a panic attack, so after couple of tries he decided that it was too draining for him and he gave it up. Of course touches were unavoidable with He Tian and so, having no other way, he got somehow used to it, bit by bit. Difference in touches were getting more noticeable for him though. At first it was definitely mostly done to get on his nerves, to get a reaction out of him. There were some unkind shoves and punches, forceful dragging, and although not nice it was something he knew for many years being bullied in preschool and then meeting She Li. To his surprise, thought, this dynamic changed. Slowly at first but then getting more and more wind in those sails. Punches got lighter and less frequent, dragging got less forceful, and it started to feel as if He Tian’s actions weren’t made purely for a “reaction”. Then came the “affections” and this was something he didn’t know what to do with. In the past, apart from his own family, the only other person who ever seemed to pay attention to him was She Li. And he got seriously burned on this… more than he ever thought he would. That taught him a bitter lesson – someone pays attention to him? Must want something from him or is looking for a scape goat.

All three of his “friends” were a mystery for him. Jian Yi may have thought that him being a ‘deliquent-type’ would be good as a bodyguard, but he literally almost killed his best friend, so why he still decided to get closer to him? Even more questionable was Zhan Zheng Xi – the mentioned almost killed guy. Sure he was calm and collected, but the fuck?! Maybe they felt as if he was a charity case, which seemed to him as a most probable answer. Jian Yi was also a good friend of He Tian - the weirdest guy of the three.

He got what he wanted from him, right? A maid and a cook, so why would someone like him, handsome, popular and rich, pay a guy like himself, aggressive, poor, trouble-maker, any more attention than he needed?

H e got home and saw some luggage near the entrance. Walking inside he called to his mother.

“Ma! What’s with the bags?”

His mother poked her head from her bedroom door.

“Shan, you’re home! Listen, Grandma called, she sprained her ankle and she needs some help at least this week until her neighbour comes back.” She answered him, packing the rest of her essentials. “I took a leave from work and will stay with her until Friday. Will you be okay on your own?”

“Ma, I’m not a kid!” Guan Shan replied with slightly annoyed tone. “I will be just ok, don’t worry. Tell Grandma to get well soon.”

“Great, I bought some vegetables, I’m not worried about you cooking food for yourself” She said with smile on her lips. “I need to hurry thought, I have a train to catch in only 1,5 hours, so we can talk more on the phone, okay sweetie?”

“Sure” he acknowledged, going to his room. Shaking off his jacked he laid on the bed. He played with his phone. He tried to get his mind away from his troubles, after some time his mother knocked on his door opening them.

“Ok son, I’m going. Be good, and take care of himself, and I will let you know when I get there” She said with warm smile.

“Ok Mom”

“I love you! And please keep in touch” 

“Love you too” Guan Shan mustered a smile. Although he loved his mother more than anything in the world, he felt a bit easier with her leaving. At least he wouldn’t have to pretend as if everything was alright. 

After she left he decided that maybe cleaning a bit would be beneficial to keep himself busy, and honestly with his part-time job, school and Tian he had little time for cleaning so his wardrobe was getting messy. He didn’t have many clothes but getting everything in order took him almost 2 hours. The last thing left was his ‘miscellaneous’ drawer. Inside was everything, from his wrist basketball bands to some old  pajamas he for some reason still didn’t discard. And then his eyes caught a black material with white stripes. He started pulling curiously because he seriously couldn’t remember any piece of his clothing that looked like this. Giving it a final yank he ‘unearthed’ a jacked. Black Adidas sports jacked with white stripes on the sleeves. He Tian’s black Adidas jacked with white striped sleeves.

“Fuck!” he yelled tossing a jacked through the room as if the garment itself insulted him. It was as if he couldn’t get away from the guy! He totally forgot about it. Well it was half a year ago.. Sliding a hand across his face he slowly walked to the piece of clothing. He really didn’t like wastefulness and the jacked was good quality so he couldn’t bring himself to toss it into trash. Picking it up, dejected, he saw a piece of wrinkled paper on the ground. Slowly straightening it up he saw some writing.

“ **I didn't want you to start liking me more”**

He clicked his tongue recognising He Tian's handwriting, and then he saw part of the letter which seemed to be on the folded back part of the note.

“ **that was a lie”**

He froze.

“What the fuck..” he muttered under his lips.

He felt searing hotness spreading through his face, ears and neck. His stomach seemed full of lead and the feeling low in his abdomen came back with the vengeance. With trembling fingers he let go of the note. Feeling claustrophobic for the first time in his own apartment he ran to the door.

•••

“Mo!?” He Tian yelled tearing the door open with desperation in his tone. His knees wobbled seeing the Mo-shaped figure sitting on the bed.

“Fuck..” he garbled moving closer “Why haven't you answered?! When I saw the kitchen I fought you got kidnapped!”

Guan Shan only moved his head to look at him.

He Tian moved even closer and in the dim light of the late evening he saw some redness near Redhead's lips. Catching Momo's face between his palms to get closer look.

“Did you get into another fight? Are you hurt?” 

Mo raised his tired eyes at him and replied untypically calmly

“It's just red lipstick..”

“Wha..?” He Tian shocked moved his hands away, his eyes got wide. That was probably last thing he could expect. And then he saw wet rivers on Mo cheeks and heard quiet sob.


	8. Chapter 8

I'm so sorry you guys for gap between updates. I'm not abandoning this story, I just had a rough few weeks when I wasn't in the right head-space plus I didn't have a lot of time. I will try to write something this weekend because starting Monday I'm going on holidays and I won't have my computer with me. If I don't post anything in a couple of days I'm so so sorry!


	9. Confrontation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo sorry for the late update, I was on holidays for the last 2 weeks and before that I was in not right head space for writing ( mostly because of the outcome of the president elections in my country which made me very sad, angry and dissapointed)
> 
> This chapter may contain triggers   
> \- mentions of sexual abuse  
> \- panic attack
> 
> I myself have anxiety not as severe/ not caused by this type of trauma + I'm on medication for many years now. I would like to tell anyone who is struggling with panic attacks and anxiety to seek help. I have great psychiatrist and also I was on therapy for some time, and nowadays I'm pretty ok (apart for more stressful times, but I haven't had a panic attack in about a year)   
> My panic attacks were very much different than the ones I portrayed here but I hope that it comes across as at least somewhat realistic.   
> No beta reader so If you see some mistakes please let me know!

“I’m.. I’m sick, right? Right?!” Mo said with raising voice hiding his face in his bent knees. He laughed a little without any humor “I was even saying that you were abnormal and perverted.. and .. it’s me.. It’s me who is not normal” his hands were grabbing fistfuls of his short red hair.

“Whoa!” He Tian exclaimed, he didn’t think this evening would go this way. “What do you mean you are sick? I don’t understand”

“I.. I’m fucked up in the head!! What’s not to get here?!” Mo shouted suddenly lifting his head quickly and looking at He Tian with a mixture of anger and anguish.

“I tried ok?! I tried and It doesn’t work how it should! It should work, right! So I must be not normal!” one of his hands still in his hair started yanking the other was clutched strongly on his knee.

“Hey, Mo” Tian started softly. But Redhead didn’t hear him, still mumbling something. “Mo!” He Tian raised his voice and grabbed his hand that was in the others hair.

“Mo! Slow down, I don’t understand what you mean, hey, come on look at me” Mo Guan Shan body went completely still at that, and after couple of heart beats Mo raised his head. He had tormented expression, wet cheeks and eyes.

“Hey, there you are” said He Tian soothingly. “Can you explain what you mean? I want to help you, but I can’t If I don’t understand.”

Couple more wet droplets fell from Mo’s eyes at that.

“But.. but you will hate me if you know..” he said quietly but He Tian’s senses were always keen. He started to delicately move his thumb against knuckles of one of Mo’s hands.

“I would never hate you” He said with no hesitation in his voice. 

Mo’s hand started slowly relaxing in his hold. 

“I don’t even.. know how to explain..” he said sadly.

“It’s ok, maybe just tell me what happened during weekend? You don’t have to tell me all, just enough so I will understand, ok?”

After what seemed to be eternity, but probably lasted no more than a minute Mo lightly nodded his head.

“I.. went home.. after, you know.. And that day my mom told me about grandma and that she needed to go to her, to help.. And when I cleaned my wardrobe I found.. something..” He looked a bit guiltily at He Tian “.. and I freaked out and run out. In the city I met, by chance, Buzzcut and he wanted for me to hang out with him and some people, and he was saying that we never hang out anymore so I went..We played a lot and drank a bit.. you know normal stuff.. And than he said that on Sunday they were going to meet some.. girls.. and that I have to come.. because I never go with them..” he loudly swallowed “So we met at evening.. things happened.. I guess.. and.. and I’m not sure how.. but I ended with this one girl.. I-in hotel of something..” He Tian felt that his blood pressure was going up but he kept calm facade for Mo’s sake. “She..she.. kissed me, she was a pretty girl and.. and I.. I felt.. nauseous..” Mo’s voice broke a little on the last sentence. “Nauseous!” The hand which was clutching his knee went to cover his eyes. “I’m not normal, I ran from there, bought some groceries and figured I would make something for today to distract myself but than in the mirror I saw that lipstick, and I don’t know.. I must have got into a daze.. I-I don’-”

“Shh, calm down, it’s ok Mo” said He Tian.

Mo rapidly pulled his own hand that was until now in He Tian’s hold, and screamed

“How can you say that?! It’s not ok! Normal guys kiss girls and more and I can’t! And I feel this ‘something’ with you! And I shouldn’t! I’m sick! After what he had done! And I still! I know that it’s not normal so I’m psycho and pervert! If I’m still like that even after what happened that means I must have enjoyed it! Right?! So don’t say it’s ok!!”

“Who?” He Tian gently but firmly grabbed Mo’s arms. “What happened? Mo? Was it She Li?”

Mo looked at him with the ‘deer-in-headlights’ stare. “H..ho.how do you know?”

“Mo! What happened to you?”

“Nothing! Nothing happened, I don’t know what you mean” Mo seemed to get out of his shocked state and tried to get out of the grasp.

“Stop, Mo please stop, look at me, please” He Tian said with a gentle tone still holding Mo by his arms. “Please let me help you..” He bent his head and rested his forehead slightly on Mo chest for a moment. When he lifted his head back up Mo’s wet eyes were on his. He must have seen something in brunet’s eyes, because after gulping he said “Back in middle school, he.. did something to me..” he chocked a bit “and.. and I.. reacted..” his voice sounded wet “and.. it was.. I never before..” his whole postured slumped and now He Tian’s hands were not stopping him but more like keeping him in a siting pose. “But.. even before I was never interested in girls.. so.. this must mean that I enjoyed what he did.. I didn’t like it.. but I still.. so, it must..” His voice got cut of by a wail and strong wave of tears. 

He Tian was stunned. He figured that it must have been something more going on with She Li, but to hear that and see how badly Mo was hurting made it a totally different experience. 

“Hey Mo?” he whispered “Do you want a hug?”

There was no verbal answer but he felt Mo’s hands move to his back. Having a confirmation that it was something wanted he th e n moved his own hands. On e to the back of Mo Guan Shan and the other to the slumped head directing it to the center of his chest. Redhead’s palms were  griping tightly on his shirt and his whole frame was trembling. He Tian was just slowly caressing Mo’s back and head, rocking them gently.

“You know, this wasn’t your fault either. It should have never happened to you” He Tian said softly into Mo’s fiery hair. “And I’m so sorry. For everything.. for what happened to you, but also for what I done. I know I can be a dick to you sometimes, but if I knew, I would have never done some of the things I did, I hope you can forgive me.. I.. just really like you” He wasn’t certain if this was right thing to say, but he wanted Mo to understand that he wasn’t the only one who had different feeling then so called ‘normal guys’. “But I will never, ever again, do anything that you will not approve”

“but.. I’m broken” he heard a weak voice. “You could have anyone you want, and I’m poor, I’m always angry, I don’t even know who I am anymore, not really.. I can’t give myself to anyone, not now..”

“I’m not asking for it” He Tian said slowly lifting Mo’s head to face him, It was a lot like looking at a lost boy. “I’m not as perfect as you think.. I have a lot of unresolved trauma too.. I can tell you about it one day, If you want.” he said stroking his thumb gently across Mo Guan Shan’s cheek. “Maybe we can help each other? I like you very much, and it’s difficult for me because I.. never felt this way. I want to learn how to care for you. Properly.” He Tian cleared his throat nervously. Event that spanned this last few days caught him totally of-guard. This was first time he ever spoke with somebody so openly. It was nerve wracking but it served a good purpose. 

“So, what do you think?” 


	10. Decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are getting now to the "Comfort" part of this fic. There will still be some panic attacks so please watch out for it if you find it triggering. 
> 
> Sorry for slow updates, but time is flying for me.

**It was hard to believe that it has been a month since that night.**

In the first week, He Tian came daily to pick him up for school and walked him back at the end of the day. They talked about trivial things while Momo made dinner for both of them. All of this helped him ease his anxiousness, He Tian must have also said something to Jian because the boy stopped clinging to him so much. As for Tian himself he barely even touched Mo. Sometimes patted him on the shoulder or head but that was all. A month has passed and She Li never showed again at school, they heard some rumors about him being moved to another school in a different city. Mo felt a bit lighter because of it. His issues weren't solved though. He still had nightmares and still was sad, afraid and disgusted with himself he just tried not to think about it. He Tian probably noticed that, he was a fucking observant bastard when he wanted to be. After one Friday school day when they arrived in Tian's apartment with bags of groceries brunet asked trying to sound nonchalant.

"So, how are you feeling"

Mo furrowed his brows even tighter than usual.

"What do you mean? I'm just fine." he sounded slightly angry ofcourse as this was his practice dealing with uncomfortable subjects.

"No.. you're not.." he heard a quiet voice, the words made his face go red with embarrassment. Normally he would start to curse the other man out and stomp out of this building and then.. then.. nothing would change.. and he needed a change. So he gulped down all the curses which came down his dried throat like a fistfull of shattered glass. He even made a pitiful sound.

"Could we maybe not talk about it?" he mustered. 

"Do you really think it would be best to not talk about it?" He Tian counterpointed looking at him with his onyx eyes. 

"Probably not.." Mo said, hiding his face in the palms of his hands. "It's just hard to talk about it.."

"You know, you don't have to talk to me.. maybe a psychologist would be the best.. you know, someone who knows how to help?"

"You know I don't have money for it." As soon as he saw He Tian's lips moving he quickly added "And don't even try to say you will pay for it!"

"But Mo.." tried He Tian.

"No "buts"! I won't have you pay for my problems.. that's final!" 

"I just want you to feel better, but I will listen to your opinion. Ah! So maybe you could try some online forums for people with similar problems? I went to this one page for some time with my ptsd and it helped me a bit, I could maybe send you a link? What do you think about it?"

Mo nervously played with his fingers. He knew he wanted things to change but at the same time the prospect of talking to someone about these things was nauseating. Why couldn't things change quickly! And what if there were no other people like him? Logically he knew that there must have been but his anxious mind was serving him most pessimistic scenarios on the continuous loop. Maybe they will call him a psycho and a slut too..

"..o? Hey, Mo?" He heard through the loudness of his thoughts. When he looked up he saw those onyx eyes from much closer than before. He also noticed that he was squeezing something in his sweaty, cold hands, something warm and pleasant. Looking down he saw He Tian's tan hand clutched tightly in his own white-knuckled grip. He immediately jumped away spooked. 

"Oh! Sorry! What?!" he spurted. 

"Hey, no worries, relax, you just went quiet for a long time and wasn't responding" He Tian spoke in the same calm voice he used for the past month when speaking with Mo. 

"Hm.." hummed Mo looking again at his hands which immediately started to grow cold again as the heat of Tian's palm disappeared.

"Do you want to hold my hand?" 

"I'm not a child" grunted Mo.

"Yeah, I know, that's not what I said" replied He Tian, stretching his hand slowly in the direction of the redhead.

Mo felt so stupid and embarassed but he missed this warmth and the sense of safeness. He felt as if his depressing thoughts chilled him to the bone and made him numb, he didn't like this state. So he grabbed the offered hand.

"If you tell anyone about this I will seriously kill you." he mumbled with no heat in his words.

"I'm not gonna tell anyone." Tian whispered gently stroking his thumb across Mo's knuckles.

He slowly pulled them in the direction of the couch and Mo let him. He felt the chill slowly seeping out of him being replaced by pleasant warmth just like a spring morning. He felt drowsy and tired as if he just ran a couple kilometres and was finally able to rest. Half consciously he fumbled his other hand searching for more of this warmth. Having found it he felt himself fall asleep.

  
He Tian watched Momo as the boy's breath slowed down and his muscles relaxed. He looked so peaceful, even his constant brow frown relaxed. It was upsetting seeing him being torn apart by his own anxiety but He Tian felt very privileged to be a person with whom Mo felt safe. They have come a long way since their beginnings. He wondered if Mo really understood or even remembered what he said to him a month ago but he knew that this wasn't a time to pressure him for any sort of answer. Once Mo would feel better than maybe he could repeat his confession. It was bittersweet for him, being close to the person he loved and not allowed to get closer but he could be a patient man when he wanted. And the end goal was definitely worth waiting. Right now though he was happy that he could at least somehow lessen Mo's burden.

Mo stirred lightly in his sleep and scooted closer to him moving his hands to his waist seeking more of his warmth.

"Patience.. patience.." whispered He Tian to himself.

He placed his one arm around Mo's shoulders, circling his slumped head and his other hand on the redhead's forearm that was laying on his stomach. The produce they bought earlier was still laying on the counter but he truly didn't give a shit. Letting his head fall on the backrest of the couch he felt himself falling asleep as well. 

  
Mo Guan Shan woke slowly, not with a jump like after many of his nightmares, he felt snug and rested. He nuzzled his head into whatever he was resting upon but to his surprise he heard his 'pillow' let out a soft "mph" sound. Finally cracking his eyes open he saw a black T-shirt stretched on, what must have been, a chest. His first instinct was to bolt up and shout but then he saw that clearly it was him who was holding this figure and it caused memories from before falling asleep to float to the surface. He looked up at He Tian's face. His straight nose, slim chin and lips, long black eyelashes covered slightly with black straight hair. The atmosphere was quiet and cozy and safe. He never before looked at He Tian from this close. Guy was pretty, there was no denying it. Wanting to see more of his features, feeling as if he wasn't fully in control of himself, he moved his hand and slowly brushed the fringe to the side. The hair he touched felt silky and smooth like petting a raven's wing. It was glossy, fine and dense at the same time. It was mesmerizing and so different from his own. Hs knew things were changing between them but he wasn't ready to delve too much into that. A hand encircled his wrist and pulled it softly from that black hair. He quickly looked at He Tian's face and surely, one gray eye was watching him intently. He felt stumped, opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came to mind. He Tian watched him for a couple seconds more, then let go of his hand, stretched his arm over his head, that must have been laying on Mo's shoulders before, and slowly raised up. Standing up and facing away from Mo he said

"Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah.." was the only word that Mo came up with, feeling his cheeks growing hot.

"Great." Tian said, walking in the direction of the kitchen counter. "I don't know about you, but I'm hungry." he said looking at Mo who was still sitting on the couch in the same position. Looking at the clock on the oven dial he noticed that they must have slept for two hours. "It's late, though. How about ordering?"

At this Mo's mind finally snapped into place.

"But I'm supposed to cook, you pay me for it."

"Oh, no worries, you deserve some rest, and the things we brought.. you can always cook for me another time." Tian said with a gentle smile. "So how about a pizza?" he asked, already searching his phone for a phone number of his favourite place.

"Sure.." Mo felt weird. 'He Tian really changed' he thought. Normally he would tease him to death over touching him, probably make some unreasonable request for food. It was kinda nice being treated this way but he didn't know how to respond to it. Apart from his mother no one treated him this way. The squeezing in his chest made his fingers tingle. He didn't understand what was happening but he wanted it. The safeness, calmness to not be afraid. So he mustered all his courage.

"Ekhm.. He Tian?" brunet lifted his head from his phone. " Will you send me a link to that page?"

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to end this part of the story at this point, but I plan on making a second part with a slight time skip. I'm so soo sorry that I was MIA these past months. Many things have been happening in my country (Poland) and I was busy. I don't want to be keeping you guys in the dark so that is why I mark this one as complete. But it's not the end! Cheers and thank you all for sticking with me I will try to write more hen I'm in the right frame of mind :>


End file.
